Black Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday, and it sucked. I had to work Thanksgiving night and had a horrible night. My patient ended up dying after I left. It was so emotionally, physically, and mentally draining that all I wanted to do was collapse when I got home. But, alas, Eric had to work so I had to stay awake with the girls all day. 


Most of the day was spent with me trying not to be snappy with my kids, rumminating about the previous night and if I could have done anything differently to prevent the eventual outcome, and then turning to a jug of wine to drown out my mind. Then I got to watch my football team lose to one of my least favorite teams. Awful day, really.


One thing that I got from the whole experience is that I don't want to be a nurse. I know this sounds rash, but the level of responsibility is so much that I can't imagine doing this forever. I don't like to be responsible for peoples lives. I don't get off on it, I get terrified. I want to be a positive force in the world, make peoples lives better, and all of that, but not literally capable of making a life changing, as in still breathing, mistake. I have not done this, but I got close once and have never recouped from it. We are only human and mistakes happen, but I have the sort of personality that could not get over it if I caused harm to another human through my mistake. I don't have plans to quit right now or anything, but I know that I just can't do it forever. 


I am in a bad place still. I really do have a great life, but I think my job is one of the big issues I'm having. My body has a hard time working and recouping from night shifts. I have also had issues with some coworkers, essentially gossiping about me... girl drama crap. I feel like it is a cloud looming over me. It wasn't always like this, but this past year has been rough. 


There has always been a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure there is one at the end of this one. My thoughts go out to all of the parents and babies that are at the other end of the experience. I can't imagine how difficult that must be, and am so grateful that I haven't had to go through it myself. I am so impressed with how awesome most of the people I work with are at what they do. It really does take a special person. 

Getting Real

I'm happy to announce that I actually have a good quality recording of me singing! Thanks to my awesome pianist/sound aficionado. Unfortunately, it is not a recording of my current jazz endeavor, but it is a sample that I am using to promote myself as a wedding singer. I'm super excited to be able to actually move forward on this front. So... anyone out there know someone who needs a ceremony singer, holla! 

In similar news, things are going really well with the whole jazz project. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the genre, and finding my own interpretation of the music. We still have a lot of work to do before actual "gigs". Umm, I'd say we are about a quarter of the way there. Hey, you gotta start somewhere. 

I have been slacking again with posting. There is so much I want to say, but I think I'm going to leave it for another day. For now, here is my freshly recorded version of Panis Angelicus!  

Jeff Buckley Makes Me Cry

I have not listened to Jeff Buckley for quite sometime, years really.  Not for any reason in particular, it is just one of those things. I randomly got a hair up my ass to listen him, so I you tubed some videos. Holy shit, I forgot how amazing. It also brought back so many memories of a particular time in my life when everything seemed so wide open. Every day was a chance at a new adventure. I can remember when(I know this sounds cheesy)the world literally seemed brighter, and smells were stronger, flavors richer, etc... 


Jeff Buckley's music is filled with so much raw, real emotion that I guess it was the perfect catalyst to bring me back to that space in time. I met my husband during that time. It's funny how fast things can become common place. I still love my husband, even more than I did then. But, it's so easy to take things for granted. I would relish in the simple smell of him, or that look he would give me that convayed he was seeing things the same way as me. Nothing has changed in that department, but our appreciation of how rare it is to find each other has diminished. I distinctly remember vowing to each other that those people would never be us. We would never forget the trees, relishing the simple beauty of things around us, life. 


Those people are distant memories. It's the way things go, it seems. We are still very much in love, but we see the world in the way that responsible adults often find themselves viewing it. I am probably more bitter about it than most because I so staunchly believed that I would be able to maintain my naive view of the world. To quote one of my favorite movies, "I was a 'real' phony." I actually believed all those phony things. What is funny, is I have actually kept a lot more of those aspects of myself than most people my age with my life circumstances. A girl at work just told me, "You have a lot of big goals, huh?" Well I never thought of it like that, but I guess I do if you compare me to the majority of the world.It's not that I want to be better than everyone else, I just want the freedom to be me without fear of failure. People will judge me, I know, I just don't want to care or let that stop me from being me. 


I hope that I will find my way back to a similar mindset as I had back then, but with a better sense of myself and the world around me. To quote Buckley, "Oh, that was so real."

Hello Vodka, It's me, Leah

I am sitting in my living room, drinking a dirty martini, and feeling rather proud of myself right now. For the first time, in a long time, I feel as if I'm moving in the right direction. I am actually making REAL plans to start singing! I have learned to look at things with guarded optimism, and nothing is a sure thing right now, but I have a good feeling. Only time will tell... I'm planing on writing a more detailed post about everything at a later date, and hope to have a decent quality, i.e. not my iPhone, recording to put up soon too.  


Changing the subject, the hubs and I just went on our first vacay alone in FIVE years. I know, totally unacceptable, but when you have two kids under four... shit happens. It was so nice to remember what it felt like to be a young couple rather than just these two people trying to get through life and parenthood 
together. The importance of vacation should never be underestimated. 


I'm going to end this post with one of my favorite quotes, and seems to be especially apt right now. "The thing about life is that one day you'll be dead."  

Going on a Hope and a Prayer

I feel guilty. I have been avoiding my blog. The main reason is because I don't really have anything music related to blog about. It has fallen into that "things on my to do list that never get done" category. I knew that there was a good possibility that this would happen.  I wish that I could say that I now intend to end this chronic procrastination, but the reality is that I probably won't. 


On a similar note, I have been thinking a lot lately about people who manage to find their "niche." I imagine that it must feel amazing to get to do what you love, and are good at doing, for a living. I've always held the belief that you can find something that you want to do, work hard to excel, and wind up loving it. I'm not so sure of this theory anymore. I think that WANTING something to be great isn't enough, maybe. There is a fine line between something not being right, or your approach to it not being right. How do you know if it's your attitude that needs changing or the situation all together? 


One thing is for sure, music is the only constant in my ever evolving existence. That means something, right? I am throwing up my hands, and asking the cosmos to help a sista out. If music is my "niche" then why is it so hard for me to DO IT? AND if it's not, then why can't I just put it aside and find fulfillment through some other avenue?  

Take That, Scarlett Jo!

When the hubs and I first met, he thought it was so sexy that I sang. He loves Tom Waits, and thought it would be really cool if I covered some Tom Wait's songs and put my own spin on them. I agreed that it was a really cool idea, but of course it never happened because I quit singing. 

A few years later, I was irked to learn that Scarlett Jo had put out an entire album of Tom Wait's covers. Of course, I had no reason to be upset seeing as how I had no real plans of doing it myself. It was the principle. So I decided to choose a Tom Wait's song this time to sing, for the hubs and your listening pleasure. 

The background music is not really meant for vocals, but it was the best I could find:) 

There is Beauty in a Breakdown

Yesterday was the worst day I've had in a very long time. Several unfortunate events all collided into one crap of a day. Then the meltdown happened. I cried the ENTIRE day. I could barely take care of the girls. My eyes were so swollen this morning it looked like I got in a boxing match.


 I won't go into all the gory details, but will say that I came face to face with a "one of my worst fears" situation.  It was like one of those dreams where you go to a party, your laughing, having fun, and all of a sudden you notice people snickering behind your back while giving you the crazy eye. Then it hits you that you failed to put on anything more than your underpants before arriving to the bash. Purely, humiliating. It caused me to question everything about myself, and forced me to examine several issues that I have been trying to avoid. Most of all, it made me realize that I truly am my own worst enemy. I have forgotten how to live, to be, to let my light shine, so to speak. I am not sure when this happened. I guess it's been a slow progression. The truth is, I have not felt like "myself" in a long time. It's a difficult realization to accept.


I woke up this morning with a quiet determination to face myself, and let this be a catalyst for growth.
I decided that I needed to put things into perspective. I began to write down a few key words to inspire me . I came up with my Seven Commandments. I am starting with seven because it still leaves room to add more later if necessary... I mean, "Eleven" or "Twelve" Commandments just doesn't have the same effect. Anywho, I came up with this:
1. Be Present
2. Accept
3. Listen
4. Choose
5. Love
6. Forgive
7. Be Grateful 


I jotted this down on my arm so that I could glance at it when the anxiety and negativity started to arise, which was most of the day. I was surprised to find that it helped almost immediately. I began to notice the beauty in things that I have been oblivious to recently. I started to become more aware that the truly important things in my life have been taking a back seat to my neurotic self doubt and pity.


I don't want to be that person. I want to be strong, compassionate, and most of all, I want to be someone who makes others days and lives better.

The plan... for now.

It's time to get a little more organized. I think I've been having trouble getting anything accomplished with music because I don't really have a "vision." I have fantasies about singing, but no real plan of action. It's time to get real and look at the facts. One is glaringly obvious, and that is we need more money. The most logical way to make more money by singing is to market myself as a wedding singer. Of course, I am referring to the wedding ceremony. I already know all of the standards, and it is a way to make a little extra money without having to pay a sitter to watch the girls because most ceremonies only last about an hour. And there is also the practice time, but even this is minimal. 


As for the plan... this is where it gets a little tricky. First, I need to record at least a couple of songs to be able to market myself. Ummkay, I don't have the equipment to do this myself so I need to figure out who I know(if anyone) that does. Then, I have to figure out the best way to advertise myself. This will just require a bit of research on my part. Then I'll be at least utilizing my voice, making a bit of cash, and can still pursue other avenues of music making. 


Simple, right? 

Singing French is Fun!

No, I have not given up my blog or singing, I've been busy... with my garden. Seriously though, there is like two months in New Orleans were it is tolerable to be outside and I have a large yard soooo you see my predicament. Anywho, it is a rainy day so I thought I'd do a bit of blogging during the kid's nap time. 


So I have good news! I may have my first singing job! Yay!(I realize that was a lot of exclamation points, but I'm really excited)! My husband works with a girl who needs a wedding singer and so he recommended me. I mean, what do people charge for singing in weddings? I have always sung for free. 


I am even more proud of myself because I have managed to clean the house, video record a song, and post a blog all in the same day, AND there is time left over for some "me time" tonight. 


So about the video, I decided to do La Vie en Rose because I love the song and have always wanted to learn it. The video is not the whole song, but it's the best I could do under the time constraints. I decided to show myself singing this time, and I already regret it. My hair is all F'ed up, and I can't even look at the camera because I'm reading the lyrics. But whatever, here it is...

And the break continues...

My voice is shot. Mardi Gras + Cold = Man Voice. However, I have chosen my next song to learn, but I'm not spilling the beans yet. I will just say that it's going to be a doozy because it's in a different language.
Until next time...

Mardi Gras Madness

Well folks, its that time of year again. I adore Mardi Gras and because of this fact I will not be practicing or blogger for the next couple of weeks. Instead, I will be drinking/parading/dancing/laughing with a little bit of work thrown in there too. 


Happy Mardi Gras and Le bon Temp Roule! 

Are you hardcore enough?

I'm in one of those, "screw it, it's too hard, and you should just save yourself any further embarrassment" kinda moods. It's probably because of my lack of sleep from the night shift so I'm trying to ignore it... we'll see. 


I'm sitting here listening to Cut Copy instead of the music I'm supposed to be spending the kid's nap time practicing. I wish that I could just be a lead singer of a rock and roll band. Yes, I just said rock and roll band. I mean, this is the music that I mostly listen to so it's only natural, right? The only problem is I don't play an instrument and this dream would require me putting a band together... not going to happen. And I have another issue. 


I think I may be getting more of a thirty-something mentality rather than a twenty-something, and I'm just not that cool anymore. I look back at my early twenties and think, "Wow, did I really do that?" which is a sure fire sign that your just not that cool anymore. I used to actually live a credible rock and roll lifestyle. Now, I'm a disneyfied version of my old self... that still likes to drink. Also, I find myself becoming increasingly annoyed with these "hipsters." I'm not really sure if I was ever an actual hipster, but one of the main reasons I think that I may have been is my staunch denial of ever being one, total hipster reaction. BUT, I was not obsessed with being so fucking cool like a lot of these hipsters I encounter. This I know! I digress, the point is I would love to adorn myself in my coolest garb and wail into the microphone as a shake my hair in my face, but that ship has sailed. All in all, I think I'm ok with that. 


Here is a video of one of my favorite local rock groups that is, along with my more hardcore self, no longer. It brings me back to the good old days...huh...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Ah, Valentines Day... sike!(Do people still say that?My guess is no.) I promise not to write anything about love on this February 14th. No, today the subject is time. As in, where in the fuck does it go? 

One of my biggest challenges with this new endeavor is that I'm a working mother of two little girls(a three year old and three month old) and my husband, who is also a nurse, has to work an opposite schedule for child care reasons. After all responsibilities have been addressed, there is about 0.5 seconds left in the day to devote to music and blogging about music. The reality is that priorities have to change, and I have to accept that sometimes I can't get it all done. 

So on that note, I am making this post short and sweet. I managed to sneak in about 15 minutes yesterday to record a song. Although I promised not to WRITE anything about love, I didn't say anything about SINGING!

Sorry, I couldn't resist... 

Idea of the Day

For some reason, every time I put on the TV lately it seems like Gentlemen Prefer Blondes is showing. I love this movie and I LOVE Marilyn. This movie inspires me to want to be a sexy lounge singer. My vision is me doing a sort of Marilyn meets Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys type show. The hair, the makeup, the DRESSES, I mean, talk about Ah-mazingly fun. And of course, the singing would be important too... I would totally go see a show like that. Would you?


So I'm struggling a bit with feeling like a raging narcissist for starting this blog. It is strange to have a website devoted entirely to my own ambitions. However, my intentions are that this blog will be inspirational to anyone following. I suppose that it will take some time to stop feeling embarrassed about posting poor quality videos of me singing. In the words of the wonderful Miss Marilyn Monroe,"Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous then absolutely boring."

Wedding singer anyone?

My lovely sister-in-law posted this video of me singing for their wedding. I think the wedding singer thing is a great idea to make quick money doing something I love. How do you market yourself as a wedding singer? hum....

Self Deprecation is a Bitch

There is a fine line between productive self criticism and obsessive self criticism. I think I crossed it long ago. I can name 50 negatives about myself to the 1 positive. If someone were to say to me, "Hey Leah, what is really great about you?" My response would be something like "well nothing is really 'great' per say, but I'm an alright mother and I can sing ok BUT......" follow list of negatives. This attitude toward myself is a big barrier to success in any area of life. And again, I don't want to raise my daughters to believe that it is normal or healthy to be so hard on yourself. Upon further reflection about why I quit singing, there is the glaringly obvious reason that deep down I have felt that no one would want to listen. If I had a bad day singing or got the smallest bit of criticism then all of a sudden I was delusional to think that I could ever really be a singer. This trait of mine carries over into all aspects of life. Even in nursing I am greatly hindered by the thoughts in my head that say, "you will never be as good of a nurse as------ because you are not that (insert adjective.)" Anyway, I feel that addressing these issues is just as important as practice, if not more important. You have to be able to see through the rain to see the rainbow, right? 


So on another subject, I have been looking at craigslist musician adds. My original thought was that I would respond to anything that seemed halfway promising. I think I may have to revise that plan. Most adds are looking for a singer for their cover band, which is fine. However, when I go to respond to these adds I am stopped by the image of me singing Proud Mary on Bourbon with a bunch of sixty year old men(nothing against 60 year olds.)I don't know, I guess it couldn't hurt to at least explore some of these posts. After all, beggars can't be choosers... rollin, rollin, rollin down the river....

Day 1

First, I am so excited about all the positive responses and support I have received thus far. I have to be honest. There was a part of me that was really worried that this might be the cheesiest idea I've ever had, but now I'm totally pumped. 


So today I was brainstorming about what to do now. I decided that the obvious place to begin is with practice, practice, practice... But then I thought, practice what? I have a background in classical music so I would need to drag some of that old stuff from my memory, you know, to get the wheels turning again so to speak. But I don't want to just sing the classic stuff. I am very interested in exploring the whole jazz genre. I don't really have a lot of experience with this type of music but I did record a couple of jazz tracks like 7 years ago that turned out pretty good. Of course, all copies of that demo have disappeared from the face of the earth. My parents even lost their copy. Anyway, I have decided to pick 4 or 5 songs from both genres to practice. I will be posting those selections at a later date. 


Ok. The last part of this post was not planned, but I thought it would be a good addition. I spent some of the day singing random songs while the girls napped. Then I got the idea to record myself with my phone so I could listen to myself better. THEN I got the idea to post it on here. Soooo here it is. It is not that great(a few really pitchy moments and a cat in the background), but that is what this thing is all about. I can't improve or go anywhere if I am afraid of my imperfections. 


For your listening pleasure....

The History

This is my first attempt at a blog. Not really sure what format this whole thing is gonna take, but gotta start somewhere. How about the beginning. Here goes:

I am starting this blog in a creative attempt to follow through with a "dream",for lack of better word, that I simply cannot force from my consciousness. I have learned throughout my adulthood how to accomplish a "goal", but a "dream" is entirely different. A "dream" implies that something is too good to be true and therefore illogical to attempt, to me anyway. The problem with this "dream" is that it will not go away. It has been with me since I can remember. I have tried and tried to ignore/deny/procrastinate/nay say this damn thing into a lock box in my mind for years with no sustained luck. So here I am. 


The particular "dream" that I am writing about is to get back into singing, preferably making a little money while doing it. Most people who have only known me the past 5 years or so don't even know that singing used to be a large part of who I was. I have been singing since childhood. However, there was a series of events(partying, self exploration, boys, work, babys, etc...) that lead to me giving up this passion. At the heart of this abandonment is a big fat fear of failure, and a feeling of not worthiness that is really the root of the problem. It's been easier to say, "well I coulda..., but I didn't really try." The thing is I don't want to tell my daughters when they are older that I don't sing anymore because I never really tried. I want to set an example that the outcome is not the important thing. I am learning  that there are worse things than failure. The fear of living with regret is far greater. 


The purpose of this blog is to help hold me accountable for following through with this "dream". I don't have a specific vision or way of getting there yet, but I am going to use this blog to document my trying. I don't anticipate most entries being as serious as this first one because this is not a goal to achieve, but rather an experiment to see if I can really be a wife, mom, nurse, AND singer, hence the name of the blog. I will end on this note. When I first decided to go into nursing I heard several times, "So what about singing(I was a music major and originally moved to New Orleans to sing)? Are you going to be a singing nurse?" To which I replied, "Why Not?"