Black Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday, and it sucked. I had to work Thanksgiving night and had a horrible night. My patient ended up dying after I left. It was so emotionally, physically, and mentally draining that all I wanted to do was collapse when I got home. But, alas, Eric had to work so I had to stay awake with the girls all day. 


Most of the day was spent with me trying not to be snappy with my kids, rumminating about the previous night and if I could have done anything differently to prevent the eventual outcome, and then turning to a jug of wine to drown out my mind. Then I got to watch my football team lose to one of my least favorite teams. Awful day, really.


One thing that I got from the whole experience is that I don't want to be a nurse. I know this sounds rash, but the level of responsibility is so much that I can't imagine doing this forever. I don't like to be responsible for peoples lives. I don't get off on it, I get terrified. I want to be a positive force in the world, make peoples lives better, and all of that, but not literally capable of making a life changing, as in still breathing, mistake. I have not done this, but I got close once and have never recouped from it. We are only human and mistakes happen, but I have the sort of personality that could not get over it if I caused harm to another human through my mistake. I don't have plans to quit right now or anything, but I know that I just can't do it forever. 


I am in a bad place still. I really do have a great life, but I think my job is one of the big issues I'm having. My body has a hard time working and recouping from night shifts. I have also had issues with some coworkers, essentially gossiping about me... girl drama crap. I feel like it is a cloud looming over me. It wasn't always like this, but this past year has been rough. 


There has always been a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure there is one at the end of this one. My thoughts go out to all of the parents and babies that are at the other end of the experience. I can't imagine how difficult that must be, and am so grateful that I haven't had to go through it myself. I am so impressed with how awesome most of the people I work with are at what they do. It really does take a special person.