There is Beauty in a Breakdown

Yesterday was the worst day I've had in a very long time. Several unfortunate events all collided into one crap of a day. Then the meltdown happened. I cried the ENTIRE day. I could barely take care of the girls. My eyes were so swollen this morning it looked like I got in a boxing match.


 I won't go into all the gory details, but will say that I came face to face with a "one of my worst fears" situation.  It was like one of those dreams where you go to a party, your laughing, having fun, and all of a sudden you notice people snickering behind your back while giving you the crazy eye. Then it hits you that you failed to put on anything more than your underpants before arriving to the bash. Purely, humiliating. It caused me to question everything about myself, and forced me to examine several issues that I have been trying to avoid. Most of all, it made me realize that I truly am my own worst enemy. I have forgotten how to live, to be, to let my light shine, so to speak. I am not sure when this happened. I guess it's been a slow progression. The truth is, I have not felt like "myself" in a long time. It's a difficult realization to accept.


I woke up this morning with a quiet determination to face myself, and let this be a catalyst for growth.
I decided that I needed to put things into perspective. I began to write down a few key words to inspire me . I came up with my Seven Commandments. I am starting with seven because it still leaves room to add more later if necessary... I mean, "Eleven" or "Twelve" Commandments just doesn't have the same effect. Anywho, I came up with this:
1. Be Present
2. Accept
3. Listen
4. Choose
5. Love
6. Forgive
7. Be Grateful 


I jotted this down on my arm so that I could glance at it when the anxiety and negativity started to arise, which was most of the day. I was surprised to find that it helped almost immediately. I began to notice the beauty in things that I have been oblivious to recently. I started to become more aware that the truly important things in my life have been taking a back seat to my neurotic self doubt and pity.


I don't want to be that person. I want to be strong, compassionate, and most of all, I want to be someone who makes others days and lives better.

The plan... for now.

It's time to get a little more organized. I think I've been having trouble getting anything accomplished with music because I don't really have a "vision." I have fantasies about singing, but no real plan of action. It's time to get real and look at the facts. One is glaringly obvious, and that is we need more money. The most logical way to make more money by singing is to market myself as a wedding singer. Of course, I am referring to the wedding ceremony. I already know all of the standards, and it is a way to make a little extra money without having to pay a sitter to watch the girls because most ceremonies only last about an hour. And there is also the practice time, but even this is minimal. 


As for the plan... this is where it gets a little tricky. First, I need to record at least a couple of songs to be able to market myself. Ummkay, I don't have the equipment to do this myself so I need to figure out who I know(if anyone) that does. Then, I have to figure out the best way to advertise myself. This will just require a bit of research on my part. Then I'll be at least utilizing my voice, making a bit of cash, and can still pursue other avenues of music making. 


Simple, right?