Getting Real

I'm happy to announce that I actually have a good quality recording of me singing! Thanks to my awesome pianist/sound aficionado. Unfortunately, it is not a recording of my current jazz endeavor, but it is a sample that I am using to promote myself as a wedding singer. I'm super excited to be able to actually move forward on this front. So... anyone out there know someone who needs a ceremony singer, holla! 

In similar news, things are going really well with the whole jazz project. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the genre, and finding my own interpretation of the music. We still have a lot of work to do before actual "gigs". Umm, I'd say we are about a quarter of the way there. Hey, you gotta start somewhere. 

I have been slacking again with posting. There is so much I want to say, but I think I'm going to leave it for another day. For now, here is my freshly recorded version of Panis Angelicus!  

Jeff Buckley Makes Me Cry

I have not listened to Jeff Buckley for quite sometime, years really.  Not for any reason in particular, it is just one of those things. I randomly got a hair up my ass to listen him, so I you tubed some videos. Holy shit, I forgot how amazing. It also brought back so many memories of a particular time in my life when everything seemed so wide open. Every day was a chance at a new adventure. I can remember when(I know this sounds cheesy)the world literally seemed brighter, and smells were stronger, flavors richer, etc... 


Jeff Buckley's music is filled with so much raw, real emotion that I guess it was the perfect catalyst to bring me back to that space in time. I met my husband during that time. It's funny how fast things can become common place. I still love my husband, even more than I did then. But, it's so easy to take things for granted. I would relish in the simple smell of him, or that look he would give me that convayed he was seeing things the same way as me. Nothing has changed in that department, but our appreciation of how rare it is to find each other has diminished. I distinctly remember vowing to each other that those people would never be us. We would never forget the trees, relishing the simple beauty of things around us, life. 


Those people are distant memories. It's the way things go, it seems. We are still very much in love, but we see the world in the way that responsible adults often find themselves viewing it. I am probably more bitter about it than most because I so staunchly believed that I would be able to maintain my naive view of the world. To quote one of my favorite movies, "I was a 'real' phony." I actually believed all those phony things. What is funny, is I have actually kept a lot more of those aspects of myself than most people my age with my life circumstances. A girl at work just told me, "You have a lot of big goals, huh?" Well I never thought of it like that, but I guess I do if you compare me to the majority of the world.It's not that I want to be better than everyone else, I just want the freedom to be me without fear of failure. People will judge me, I know, I just don't want to care or let that stop me from being me. 


I hope that I will find my way back to a similar mindset as I had back then, but with a better sense of myself and the world around me. To quote Buckley, "Oh, that was so real."

Hello Vodka, It's me, Leah

I am sitting in my living room, drinking a dirty martini, and feeling rather proud of myself right now. For the first time, in a long time, I feel as if I'm moving in the right direction. I am actually making REAL plans to start singing! I have learned to look at things with guarded optimism, and nothing is a sure thing right now, but I have a good feeling. Only time will tell... I'm planing on writing a more detailed post about everything at a later date, and hope to have a decent quality, i.e. not my iPhone, recording to put up soon too.  


Changing the subject, the hubs and I just went on our first vacay alone in FIVE years. I know, totally unacceptable, but when you have two kids under four... shit happens. It was so nice to remember what it felt like to be a young couple rather than just these two people trying to get through life and parenthood 
together. The importance of vacation should never be underestimated. 


I'm going to end this post with one of my favorite quotes, and seems to be especially apt right now. "The thing about life is that one day you'll be dead."  

Going on a Hope and a Prayer

I feel guilty. I have been avoiding my blog. The main reason is because I don't really have anything music related to blog about. It has fallen into that "things on my to do list that never get done" category. I knew that there was a good possibility that this would happen.  I wish that I could say that I now intend to end this chronic procrastination, but the reality is that I probably won't. 


On a similar note, I have been thinking a lot lately about people who manage to find their "niche." I imagine that it must feel amazing to get to do what you love, and are good at doing, for a living. I've always held the belief that you can find something that you want to do, work hard to excel, and wind up loving it. I'm not so sure of this theory anymore. I think that WANTING something to be great isn't enough, maybe. There is a fine line between something not being right, or your approach to it not being right. How do you know if it's your attitude that needs changing or the situation all together? 


One thing is for sure, music is the only constant in my ever evolving existence. That means something, right? I am throwing up my hands, and asking the cosmos to help a sista out. If music is my "niche" then why is it so hard for me to DO IT? AND if it's not, then why can't I just put it aside and find fulfillment through some other avenue?  

Take That, Scarlett Jo!

When the hubs and I first met, he thought it was so sexy that I sang. He loves Tom Waits, and thought it would be really cool if I covered some Tom Wait's songs and put my own spin on them. I agreed that it was a really cool idea, but of course it never happened because I quit singing. 

A few years later, I was irked to learn that Scarlett Jo had put out an entire album of Tom Wait's covers. Of course, I had no reason to be upset seeing as how I had no real plans of doing it myself. It was the principle. So I decided to choose a Tom Wait's song this time to sing, for the hubs and your listening pleasure. 

The background music is not really meant for vocals, but it was the best I could find:) 

There is Beauty in a Breakdown

Yesterday was the worst day I've had in a very long time. Several unfortunate events all collided into one crap of a day. Then the meltdown happened. I cried the ENTIRE day. I could barely take care of the girls. My eyes were so swollen this morning it looked like I got in a boxing match.


 I won't go into all the gory details, but will say that I came face to face with a "one of my worst fears" situation.  It was like one of those dreams where you go to a party, your laughing, having fun, and all of a sudden you notice people snickering behind your back while giving you the crazy eye. Then it hits you that you failed to put on anything more than your underpants before arriving to the bash. Purely, humiliating. It caused me to question everything about myself, and forced me to examine several issues that I have been trying to avoid. Most of all, it made me realize that I truly am my own worst enemy. I have forgotten how to live, to be, to let my light shine, so to speak. I am not sure when this happened. I guess it's been a slow progression. The truth is, I have not felt like "myself" in a long time. It's a difficult realization to accept.


I woke up this morning with a quiet determination to face myself, and let this be a catalyst for growth.
I decided that I needed to put things into perspective. I began to write down a few key words to inspire me . I came up with my Seven Commandments. I am starting with seven because it still leaves room to add more later if necessary... I mean, "Eleven" or "Twelve" Commandments just doesn't have the same effect. Anywho, I came up with this:
1. Be Present
2. Accept
3. Listen
4. Choose
5. Love
6. Forgive
7. Be Grateful 


I jotted this down on my arm so that I could glance at it when the anxiety and negativity started to arise, which was most of the day. I was surprised to find that it helped almost immediately. I began to notice the beauty in things that I have been oblivious to recently. I started to become more aware that the truly important things in my life have been taking a back seat to my neurotic self doubt and pity.


I don't want to be that person. I want to be strong, compassionate, and most of all, I want to be someone who makes others days and lives better.

The plan... for now.

It's time to get a little more organized. I think I've been having trouble getting anything accomplished with music because I don't really have a "vision." I have fantasies about singing, but no real plan of action. It's time to get real and look at the facts. One is glaringly obvious, and that is we need more money. The most logical way to make more money by singing is to market myself as a wedding singer. Of course, I am referring to the wedding ceremony. I already know all of the standards, and it is a way to make a little extra money without having to pay a sitter to watch the girls because most ceremonies only last about an hour. And there is also the practice time, but even this is minimal. 


As for the plan... this is where it gets a little tricky. First, I need to record at least a couple of songs to be able to market myself. Ummkay, I don't have the equipment to do this myself so I need to figure out who I know(if anyone) that does. Then, I have to figure out the best way to advertise myself. This will just require a bit of research on my part. Then I'll be at least utilizing my voice, making a bit of cash, and can still pursue other avenues of music making. 


Simple, right?