My One Year Blogiversary!

I have not been in the mood for blogging lately. I suppose I haven't really felt like I had much to say. Well, that is not really true. I just haven't really felt like typing it all out. I know that sounds lazy... because it is, but hey, at least I admit it. And the other issue is that there is really only so much I can say about my music project(I'm getting to that.) So I've made the decision to broaden my blogging to include other subjects. No, I'm not turning this into a "mommy blog." I am just going to incorporate other thoughts about life and such that is all part of the bigger picture that includes my hopeful success with music. 


Ok, so update on the music. I pretty much have a full set list together! There is still a lot of "fine tuning" to do, but we have made so much progress! AND I have been talked into adding an upright bass and drummer. So we are putting off any demo recordings until the new instruments are added, which should be soon. This is the first time that it has finally hit me that this is going to happen. I am actually accomplishing my goal. Yay me! Now I need to decide on a stage name. I just don't think Leah Rucker has enough sex appeal... Suggestions? Victoria? Evanna Humpalot? 


Now it's time for phase two of the goal. I had not originally planned for two phases, but I'm going with it. Simply learning and practicing music is not enough. I have come to realize that attitude and confidence is VITAL to being a good performer. I have some issues in those areas... So I figure to really be the best at ANYTHING I do, I need to change these habits. Hence the new direction that I referenced earlier that I am taking my blog. 


I also have no intensions of turning this into a "self help blog." I have no authority to be telling anyone how to live. It is rather going to be me telling about my experiences with this experiment. After all, that it the name of my blog;) 


Anything that you want to do well requires practice, including learning how to live well. This blog has been very instrumental in helping me hold myself accountable for pursuing my goal with music. My hope is that I can use it to do the same for other areas of my life. Can't hurt anyway. 


"Who are you?" someone asks. "I am the story of myself."
-M. Scott Momaday


"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge" -Tuli Kupferberg 

Black Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday, and it sucked. I had to work Thanksgiving night and had a horrible night. My patient ended up dying after I left. It was so emotionally, physically, and mentally draining that all I wanted to do was collapse when I got home. But, alas, Eric had to work so I had to stay awake with the girls all day. 


Most of the day was spent with me trying not to be snappy with my kids, rumminating about the previous night and if I could have done anything differently to prevent the eventual outcome, and then turning to a jug of wine to drown out my mind. Then I got to watch my football team lose to one of my least favorite teams. Awful day, really.


One thing that I got from the whole experience is that I don't want to be a nurse. I know this sounds rash, but the level of responsibility is so much that I can't imagine doing this forever. I don't like to be responsible for peoples lives. I don't get off on it, I get terrified. I want to be a positive force in the world, make peoples lives better, and all of that, but not literally capable of making a life changing, as in still breathing, mistake. I have not done this, but I got close once and have never recouped from it. We are only human and mistakes happen, but I have the sort of personality that could not get over it if I caused harm to another human through my mistake. I don't have plans to quit right now or anything, but I know that I just can't do it forever. 


I am in a bad place still. I really do have a great life, but I think my job is one of the big issues I'm having. My body has a hard time working and recouping from night shifts. I have also had issues with some coworkers, essentially gossiping about me... girl drama crap. I feel like it is a cloud looming over me. It wasn't always like this, but this past year has been rough. 


There has always been a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure there is one at the end of this one. My thoughts go out to all of the parents and babies that are at the other end of the experience. I can't imagine how difficult that must be, and am so grateful that I haven't had to go through it myself. I am so impressed with how awesome most of the people I work with are at what they do. It really does take a special person. 

Getting Real

I'm happy to announce that I actually have a good quality recording of me singing! Thanks to my awesome pianist/sound aficionado. Unfortunately, it is not a recording of my current jazz endeavor, but it is a sample that I am using to promote myself as a wedding singer. I'm super excited to be able to actually move forward on this front. So... anyone out there know someone who needs a ceremony singer, holla! 

In similar news, things are going really well with the whole jazz project. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the genre, and finding my own interpretation of the music. We still have a lot of work to do before actual "gigs". Umm, I'd say we are about a quarter of the way there. Hey, you gotta start somewhere. 

I have been slacking again with posting. There is so much I want to say, but I think I'm going to leave it for another day. For now, here is my freshly recorded version of Panis Angelicus!  

Jeff Buckley Makes Me Cry

I have not listened to Jeff Buckley for quite sometime, years really.  Not for any reason in particular, it is just one of those things. I randomly got a hair up my ass to listen him, so I you tubed some videos. Holy shit, I forgot how amazing. It also brought back so many memories of a particular time in my life when everything seemed so wide open. Every day was a chance at a new adventure. I can remember when(I know this sounds cheesy)the world literally seemed brighter, and smells were stronger, flavors richer, etc... 


Jeff Buckley's music is filled with so much raw, real emotion that I guess it was the perfect catalyst to bring me back to that space in time. I met my husband during that time. It's funny how fast things can become common place. I still love my husband, even more than I did then. But, it's so easy to take things for granted. I would relish in the simple smell of him, or that look he would give me that convayed he was seeing things the same way as me. Nothing has changed in that department, but our appreciation of how rare it is to find each other has diminished. I distinctly remember vowing to each other that those people would never be us. We would never forget the trees, relishing the simple beauty of things around us, life. 


Those people are distant memories. It's the way things go, it seems. We are still very much in love, but we see the world in the way that responsible adults often find themselves viewing it. I am probably more bitter about it than most because I so staunchly believed that I would be able to maintain my naive view of the world. To quote one of my favorite movies, "I was a 'real' phony." I actually believed all those phony things. What is funny, is I have actually kept a lot more of those aspects of myself than most people my age with my life circumstances. A girl at work just told me, "You have a lot of big goals, huh?" Well I never thought of it like that, but I guess I do if you compare me to the majority of the world.It's not that I want to be better than everyone else, I just want the freedom to be me without fear of failure. People will judge me, I know, I just don't want to care or let that stop me from being me. 


I hope that I will find my way back to a similar mindset as I had back then, but with a better sense of myself and the world around me. To quote Buckley, "Oh, that was so real."

Hello Vodka, It's me, Leah

I am sitting in my living room, drinking a dirty martini, and feeling rather proud of myself right now. For the first time, in a long time, I feel as if I'm moving in the right direction. I am actually making REAL plans to start singing! I have learned to look at things with guarded optimism, and nothing is a sure thing right now, but I have a good feeling. Only time will tell... I'm planing on writing a more detailed post about everything at a later date, and hope to have a decent quality, i.e. not my iPhone, recording to put up soon too.  


Changing the subject, the hubs and I just went on our first vacay alone in FIVE years. I know, totally unacceptable, but when you have two kids under four... shit happens. It was so nice to remember what it felt like to be a young couple rather than just these two people trying to get through life and parenthood 
together. The importance of vacation should never be underestimated. 


I'm going to end this post with one of my favorite quotes, and seems to be especially apt right now. "The thing about life is that one day you'll be dead."  

Going on a Hope and a Prayer

I feel guilty. I have been avoiding my blog. The main reason is because I don't really have anything music related to blog about. It has fallen into that "things on my to do list that never get done" category. I knew that there was a good possibility that this would happen.  I wish that I could say that I now intend to end this chronic procrastination, but the reality is that I probably won't. 


On a similar note, I have been thinking a lot lately about people who manage to find their "niche." I imagine that it must feel amazing to get to do what you love, and are good at doing, for a living. I've always held the belief that you can find something that you want to do, work hard to excel, and wind up loving it. I'm not so sure of this theory anymore. I think that WANTING something to be great isn't enough, maybe. There is a fine line between something not being right, or your approach to it not being right. How do you know if it's your attitude that needs changing or the situation all together? 


One thing is for sure, music is the only constant in my ever evolving existence. That means something, right? I am throwing up my hands, and asking the cosmos to help a sista out. If music is my "niche" then why is it so hard for me to DO IT? AND if it's not, then why can't I just put it aside and find fulfillment through some other avenue?  

Take That, Scarlett Jo!

When the hubs and I first met, he thought it was so sexy that I sang. He loves Tom Waits, and thought it would be really cool if I covered some Tom Wait's songs and put my own spin on them. I agreed that it was a really cool idea, but of course it never happened because I quit singing. 

A few years later, I was irked to learn that Scarlett Jo had put out an entire album of Tom Wait's covers. Of course, I had no reason to be upset seeing as how I had no real plans of doing it myself. It was the principle. So I decided to choose a Tom Wait's song this time to sing, for the hubs and your listening pleasure. 

The background music is not really meant for vocals, but it was the best I could find:)